The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
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I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I’d hang this in my house.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Very good news from my accountant
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.