Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
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[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings