cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you âhey lets get coffee soon!â and we never get coffee
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Things I never thought I would say: âwell if you unpacked your stuff youâd know where your elf ears wereâ.
Parenting is fun lol
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you donât have to copy that part.
Cristina Aguilera: âYouâre beautiful! No matter what they say!â
Me: âWait, what do they say?â
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And thatâs all you need to know about before online times.
I asked 10 how school was. âWe did first aid training and now Iâm qualified to kill someone then bring them back to lifeâ. If you need me Iâll be hiding from my 10yo
People who say âwhy wasnât I invited?â donât realize that they are actually the real winners.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes