Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
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Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
If snakes were wide
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.