*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine