PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
You Might Also Like
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I’M CRYINGGG
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?