Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
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all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew