what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?