Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
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listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.