*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
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Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet