How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
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Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs