Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
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I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list