BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
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I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.