[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
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In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Breaking news:
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.