If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
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This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
How your email finds me
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
my first dose meeting my second
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.