People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
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Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.