Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
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I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Stop.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”