Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
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I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I laughed at this way too hard.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.