Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
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*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
😂😂😂
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.