normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
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Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
reviewed some movies recently
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
This is my bus stop.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!