The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
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Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.