DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
You Might Also Like
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!