This is a whole mood;
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Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
me adding lol on a serious message
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
May have had one breakfast too many
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me