I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
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Me if I was a dog
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing