When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
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[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
The Friday File.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.