[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
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Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Siri, fight Alexa.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.