*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
You Might Also Like
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
felt that
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.