god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
You Might Also Like
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.