Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
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*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Never forget.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin