So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
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*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.