I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
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I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
“You’d better run, egg!”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis