Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
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So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
🙁
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.