*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
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I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
The first one, obviously
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.