I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
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I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha