My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
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When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”