“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
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GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I drew y’all a little something.
I only eat vegetarians.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from