You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
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wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours