Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Me irl
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Guilty! 🤪
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!