me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
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You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Liquor Store Parking
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭