Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
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I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
We cut our bangs at dawn.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.