Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
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Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Goat cheese is for herders.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.