My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
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What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!