Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
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Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Sing it!
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.