apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
You Might Also Like
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds