They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
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[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.