Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
You Might Also Like
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee