Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
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Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall