Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
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8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked