professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
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bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Wait a second…
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
👾👾👾
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.