“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
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#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
And bowling should be called pinball
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.